﻿Can’t Ride to Land of Plenty On a Free Pass 
By T-BONE SLIM 
 
Turkeys were not over plentiful on the market—dealers were kinda skittish about having warbabies left on their hands. Some of the birds were born over soon—or are our teeth getting tender? 
Indeed, one of the birds I know, were he alive today, I would match him against the toughest eagle or diamond-back. I think we made a mistake in picking the eagle, and the “turk” never should have been picked. 
I am going back to my old love—liverwurst and country sausage, made in slums. 

Hear colored man in Harlem, like a true statesman, “warn” another one: 
“Yes, and if you do, there won’t be any turkey.” 
“Or ham either,” chipped in another one consolingly. 
I think they compromised on a modicum of gin. 

Men and women that are “on relief” today earned that “relief another day. But it was denied them then and is at present an integral part of the wealth of America, shops, industries, etc. 
No millionaires are on “relief.” They get first crack at the wealth before “relief” begins. 

If Washington tossed a silver dollar across the Rappahannock he was a dam poor business man. Present statesmen wouldn’t toss so an old fashioned, plugged two-cent piece if they could find an iron washer. 
 
Sayeth Johannes Simon: “Costlies war in history.” Twenty-three million dollars a day—6,000,000 pounds. 
Wouldn’t be a bit surprised! But why don’t they use our money? We’ve got great gobs of it burried down in Ol’ Kaintuck. 
War always is expensive when you have to use your own money and there are no good Samaritans around. 

The airbomb struck the water hard by the Royal Ark and set her on her beam-ends, decks awash, but the British “sides” are so tough that the explosion didn’t even dent the ship. Three herring turned belly up. 
Now you tell one. 
What England needs is a good American publicity director. (All of ‘em lie well with plenty of heart throbs and such.) 

Here’s the way the American publicity bureau would have had it: 
“The bomb hit directly under the fantail of the Royal Ark, lifted her bodily out of the water and sent her spinning in a perfect tripple summersault (counted by several Scotsmen on the nearby beach.) Luckily the ship landed back in water on an even-keel and the side-wash was so great it drowned those Scots standing there with their mouths open, washed way a schoolhouse and thousands of mothers were made childless and two hospitals were destroyed. No jails were damaged. 
“When the side-wash finally receded people gathered to bury their loved ones only to find them washed out to sea . . . There stood mothers and daughters and preachers gazing tear-eyed into the fog.” 
At this point the constant reader would say, “Give him time, he ain’t warmed u yet.” 
“The ship spun around so fast no sailors were able to fall off; not a man was lost, no cracks in the paint (one good thing!) and the commander was dizzy only a day and a half. 
The present war is the product of European civilization. So, if they have built themselves a Frankenstein monster and civilization goes down, the loss isn’t worthy of prolonged tears. 

A tree is known by its bark 
Mr. Martin has it: “World war’s (European) total money cost to all nations involved was $331,600,000,000 (three hundred and thirty one billion, six hundred million dollars.” 
Enough “to have supplied every family in the United States, Canada, England. Germany, Russia, Belgium. and Australia with a $2,500 house on a $500 lot, with 1,000 worth of furniture.” 
That’s one reason why many of us sleep under bridges, in barrel.stave dwellings and others took it out in light diets and municipal swill 
Now they want us to toss in our prospective house, lot, and furniture in this latest European war and continue sleeping under the lumberpile. Beautiful exploitation of labor, hey? 
Tell me, oh labor, how long are you going to permit industrial behemoths to throw your furniture into the maelstroms of European insanities and man-made catastrophies? 
This war, already analyzed, is seven times more expensive than the last one. That means our shirt too, and sox. 
 
And bitterly the, press mourns that Hitler was once identified with manual toil— “paperhanger.” 
That’s more than the other warmongers can say. They can point with pride to the fact that they never did a tap of work in, their lives.—Parasites of the nobility! There’s going to be a change, but too late. 
Now, how was it? Which set of parasites do you favor, soft collar or starch? Or do you really love your home, house, lot and $1,000 worth of furniture? 
Depend upon it, those maniacs will do something to cause our maniacs to declare war. 
Won’t we have fun? No one is working for peace. All hands are steamed up- 

There are men—and women too, God bless ‘em— that expect to get into industrial heaven on a pass. They don’t have to pay any dues, don’t have to carry water to the mules, don’t have to stand picket, don’t have to— anything—just walk in grinning from ear to ear. 
If they follow out that philosophy we’ll all land in economic hell, which is a free entertainment.