﻿BONEYARD
By T-bone Slim

Made-To-Order Deaths.
Inexpensive ways to commit siucide are getting more expensive every day. In act, “its” so expensive that a poor man, (who needs it worst) can’t afford it. Guns are too costly just for one operation. Safety razor blades won’t do because you’ve got to have a pair of fifty cent pliers to hold’em––besides you can’t buy a lone single and blade, you’re got to buy a dozen––that’s 79 cents–the rest will rust and spoil! 
The best poisons now are so high that a man who is “short” can’t reach ‘em. Even the lowly rope is beyond the means of an average citizen.
Mebbe you’ve noticed, all the suicides are men who are well off . . . that is, they’ve got no opposition.
This thing must not be allowed to continue and since the federal authorities are disinclined to supply the people with proper weapons, for this purpose. I suggest that the citizens before investing in those high priced auxiliaries consider well the advantages of drowning or jumping in front of freight trains (they’re heavier, and will push you further.) But if those don’t appeal to you, you might overhaul the more “expensive ones” and pick out one that you put to “a dual use”––for instance, buy yourself a post-war drink and thus combine business with pleasure––whichever is which.
D’D’Death is s’s’certain, b’b’but you will d’d’die happy in the consciousness that it d’d’didn’t cost b’b’but two-b’b’bits––d’d’drink included. (Them’s tears)
P. S.
Science is on the point of tapping the mystery of life. The unknown is not so far away. Unfortunately, to get at it, science must pass through about about six feet of solid ivory––and there it is. There it was. There it will be.
T-b. S––
“Newspapers men generally are not aware that any ‘chain of Catholic newspapers’ exist.”––
Yes–– by the looks of the papers, they know not much about anything and are quite unaware of practically everything.
They sell their papers on the strength of U.S. Weather Reports.
And for BENEFIT of DATE.
After the Great WRIGGLEY CATALINA CONTEST, FINE CHANNEL-CATS CAN BE caught with a bent PIN and crooked STRING.
WRIGGLEY is fondly remembered as the man that did most to Americanize foreign-born women. . .
Women that didn’t know a word about liberty now chew gum as nonchalantly as our own daughters and grandmothers.
The future will point proudly to them as “our heroic ansisters” who improved each vagrant hour by chewing slabs of Wriggley’s Gum with all their mouthful-power.––And with the other hand future will say Behold my noble son, Chewlius Wriggley, the author of “AFTER EACH MEAL” and inventor of THE ONE and ONLY durable––yea, IMPERISHABLE barnacle for chair-bottoms.
Now that that is that––may I remind the senators (glaring at Illinois and Philadelphia)––:
“AND THAT NO STATE, WITHOUT ITS CONSENT, SHALL BE DEPRIVED OF ITS EQUAL SUFFRAGE IN THE SENATE.”––
Let Smith and Vare grin!
“WITHOUT ITS CONSENT”––pure English, by God!