﻿BONEYARD
By T-bone Slim

The other day owing to the [unclear]nant inferior-complex of the [unclear] America beefsteak, wanted to go to Europe . . . but I didn’t know whether it was on the Lehigh Valley or on the Missouri Pacific—That dumb I was!
I was desperate as one afflicted with anglo-sex appeal, hyperamericana or methodist dementia. I turned to the left of me and to the right of me: “Where’s Europe”, I wailed.
“Has anyone here seen Europe”, I chorused.
Nobody deposed reply.
Like a man drowning in a cesspool I grabs and as luck would have it I grabbed the N. Y. Journal—a newspaper that modestly claims to be America’s greatest evening paper—the bashful one—for where in the whole world can you find greatness greater?
Feverishly, I turned to Abie The Agent and proceeded to absorb that elixir of life into the veins of my doldrums of igniorance:
“Three Musketeers”—Haa, Abid takes in a show.
“A Wonderful Story”—He is pleased—invites Meyer up to his house— shows him his library. . . 
“A fine set of books; have you read them all, Abe?” —
“I didn’t have to; since I got these books, I’ve seen every one off them in the movies.” —
H’ml every one of them?
In the movies?
Well! That being the case I’ll just drop this paper and rush off to the movies—mebbe I can see America’s greatest evening Journal there, too?
Alas, alas, fellow workers, the first show I came to was Syncopating—Sue!
It was like a blow from a clear sky!!
(But wait a minute.)
The hero of the play is headed for Europe. . .
The plot thickens!
The heroine finds it out:
“On the Mauretania”.
(Then it isn’t on a railroad?} ‘
Hm”—
She does a “Douglas Fairbanks” and grabs a taxi—”PIER S57”, she yells (almost causing her beautiful jaw to turn a somersault.)— 
Mauretania, eh?
Pier 57, bey?
Hm!
I see. I see.—
I wish I had that Evening Journal, now.
Not having, I went out and bought me a beefsteak, darn the luck any way!
Now fellow workers, if there be among ye those who have seen many shows, this heartbroken author would be elated beyond measure if you would tell him what show to, see in order to find out the best remedy for pain-in-the-neck.
T. Bone Slim.