﻿BITS 
 
Very properly, the name of the president of the Associated Press is Frank B. Noyes. No noise has been made of it, either. 
* * * 
I’m glad that this fasting season, Lent, an is over with. Now the good Christians can get up and eat corn-leaf and coffee (with a clear conscience) instead of starving themselves on dried beef and brookfield cheese sandwiches in the privacy of their bedchamber. 
* * * 
Washington, the one that once was burnt down by the British, an act long since forgiven, as is proved by the fact that we do not meditate arson against their “Jolly London;” have not ever and do not now anticipate the “pleasure” of returning the compliment––is fire-proof insofar as the government buildings and torch are concerned.  
* * * 
But Washington (as to its officials) is not fire-proof or sense-proof, as is demonstrated by the fact that one of the peoples representatives only recently put his colleagues “hep” to the fact that 4,000,000 working men are unemployed and doing not a tap to produce the learnt gentlemen spending money. 
It’s doubtful if Congress will prefer any charges of vagrancy against so many delinquents. 
* * * 
Owing to this surplus of working men, it will be seen, the synthetic foods serve to relieve the situation. Barbarously, it is true, but not in the sense that it kills them off. 
Oh no! You see, when the people eat indiscriminately of “adulterated foods” they will need more doctors. The 4,000,000 unemployed will take out diplomas. Soon the country will be half on medical-footing––everybody working––as doctors or patients. Patience. NOTHING IS SO BAD THAT IT ISN’T GOOD! 
* * * 
Heretofore, always it was thought that “unemployed absorb adulterated food products” (when they can catch them). 
Now, lo and behold, through the efforts of our noble author, it is seen that adulterated foods absorb the unemployed. 
Suction there! or I’ve picked the wrong pony. 
* * * 
It is insinuated, as gossip fit to print in our daily RUMOR HUCKSTERS that Alabama is making only one million dollars a year on its prison camps. 
That seems like an NON-AWEFUL figure, to a man experienced in getting four bits an hour. And, it true, there is danger that the state will LOCK OUT its unprofitable prisoners. 

Religious matters are having a boom just now––no doubt affected by the tides. 
 Both Jesus and Mohamet have joined the I. W. W. 
I wonder what the O. M. C. A. thinks about that?  
Jesus is Mexican. Mohamet is Turkish. O. M. C. A. is OLD MAIDS’ CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION. 

Kuo Min Tang is Chinese Nationalist Party. Comintern––what is Komintern? 
It is an abreviation for Comrade-Interned. 

There is considerable misunderstanding about the word capital.  
Some people have an idea that capital is a Power that is entitled to profits from the undertakings of labor. 
Others argue that labor COMES FIRST and is entitled to all it produces, an admission that capital is entitled to some income. 
Still others insist that capital is more important than labor and is therefore entitled to a greater share of the returns. 
All those “views” seem to be to uphold the rights of capital to some, little or much profit––where does labor come in? 
Our author is sitting tight, conscious of the fact that capital is the product of labor ––one of the products––and that capital is none the more entitled to returns than is an axe-handle or a rolling-pin. 
Am I dumb? Am I to understand that if a man produces a wheelbarrow he shall let the wheelbarrow collect a greater share (80 per cent) of its value to be turned over to a wheelbarrow capitalist (wheelbarrowist). 
Else, how can we understand it?  
Labor makes capital, then capital insists that it get paid for being made. “Can you beat it!” 
Seems to me that it should be the other way around. Instead of capital taking “toll” from labor, it should pay labor for the labor-power used in the making of capital. 
Truly it is beyond comprehension and unexplainable. 
HERE IS ONE OF THE PRODUCTS OF LABOR DEMANDING PROFITS! IMAGINE! 
Imagine a patch on my overalls demanding that I WHACK-UP with it; that I, the great proletarian and sawyer give the patch two-bits and keep the dime for java and coffee-cake––(rolls).