﻿TRUE TO FORM 
 
The “National Defense Day” will go off big. On September 12, I understand, the nation will spring to arms as one man. Of course, you understand, this will be for practice only, training for the citizens—so that they will stand calm under draught it the event of another last war; merely training them to repulse onslaught with “sladder”—to repel attack an’ how to follow up. 
The last Last War was a great lesson to us. We found our nation totally unprepared to kill Germans, so fast they showed up. We found ourselves 3,000 miles away from nearest German selected for slaughter, with almost no means of transportation except a few old British tubs, rattletraps like the Lusitania, which had been a has been five years before the war started, and should have been condemned as unable to compete with the stately (German) ships of trade.  
On the other hand, the flag-waving-profiteers found themselves Unprepared! Many of them were caught short and grabbed 300 per cent profit when they could have had 2,000 per cent just as well. No doubt these self-styled patriots will take advantage of this coming “mobilization” and practice-up their chosen art. Up goes the prices. 

Y. M. C. A. will corner the cigarettes and Bull-Burham. Salvation Army will pore over the dough-nut recipes. Ex-Politicians will sell Liberty Bonds without consulting the buyers. Yes, indeed, I believe it will go over big. Labor will demand a 10 per cent increase (piker) in wages to take care of a 200 per cent increase in cost of living. Piker! 

Debs, the G. O. M., will go to Can. 
“Saucy” Kate O’Hare, also. 
The I. W. W. will be locked-up. 
Illinois will lynch one bond-toting German, by mistake. 
What would happen — if everything goes true to form? 
If the lumber barons and timer-morons take mobilization seriously, on “this” day, the price of lumber “products” is due for a “kiting.” 

Hoover may declare for a dogless brekfus’s. 

Conscientious obstructicians will raise grey mustaches and limp, flat-footed. 

Editors will qualify every statement, or disguise them as interrogations. All treasonable words will be blurred with a quick, sharp blow from the editorial mallet. 

Three minute speeches by merchants of British extraction. Germans will gang-up on all Pro-Kaiserites, and Irish will fight for the King. 

Emergency boards will “practice-up” on building transparent-transports from boxlumber. Patriotic steel will advance on orders. 

Revolutionary periodicals will discuss the general uprising of a dobe-builder in Af-Kanistan and the simultaneous revolt in Congo, of all hands on the numerous plantations of the Belgia Balloon-Tire Corporation. (Both men disappearing between midnight and dawn). 

The “twenty-four bought up papers” will come out in squeeling headlines about the very latest atrocity of the enemy— how a heartless fuerst “luff” dragged a motherless orphan, three months old, through a key hole until the child resembled a buckskin belt lacing— RETALIATION! will be the indignant cry of the mortally offended press!— Yes, the press too must be mobilized for instant action. We will live all over again the Lucy Tania HORROR, with all those little children and widows on an innocent visit to the battle fields of war torn Europe. Ach, Poor Belgium. Poor Armenia, Poor Turk.— No, not Turkey— Poor— that is— all those that got it in the neck, whoever they were. Every shot fired by the enemy win hit a church or a hospital or a cradle—-darn ‘em anyway. 

Super-patriots will grab bullet proof jobs h’ist their “stinkers” on top the “grand rapids” (So’s to prevent red blood warming their feet). Hundred Per Centers will patrol Balm Peach — Peach Balm— Palm Beach. There, I guess I’ve got it right! 
Supernuated “ante-dates” will screech for war (for someone else to fight) and the Red Cross will offer First Aid to the Strangling Fossils by Pounding them on the Hump. It’s going to be a big day. War provendor will be fed the voracious public until its celuloid belt “melts.” 
North Dakota bank robbers will be severely censured for trying to get celebration started two weeks early, and for using a man’s house for target practice. 
Anton ZWACH, south of New Ulm, and his silver toned wife, at same address, will probably give their chore boy something to eat on that day. (Co. Commissioners please note). 
Personally, I will try to mobilize the Lord on our side. I will spend the Day in prayer, if it isn’t good drying weather. 
The Wobs in Hanley Falls insist that “coming as it does in September, and being as how it is the 12th day of that very same month, it is an ideal day for stamping up the ol’ book, in full; ‘n’ have that much done in case we’re attacked or invaded by a horde of parasites.” 
I fully agree with the learnt fellow workers, if we’re to mobilize, we must not forget the essential most features. Hop, skip and a jump.