﻿T-BONE SLIM DISCUSSES WHEAT IS KING 
Four act drama 

JUNE.— (Farmer rushes into the house) “My God, Miranda, everything is drying up!” (Wrings his hands, instead of his neck.) “It is terrible! The WHEAT is Lost! Think of the poor widows and orphans that will go hungry! Starve! STARVE!! Miranda! Think of ‘em!” (Miranda faints; little Willie howls like a “bull” saxophone; Bruno crawls under the granary; an Eastern speculator blows his brains out.) Curtain.  
JULY.— (Farmer rushes into the house.) “Hear it rain! Hear it rain, Miranda! We’re drownded out! The WHEAT will never come to to a head! It’s a total loss — add to think, I carry only HAIL insurance! We’ll have nothing to eat next winter except pond-lilies and bull-heads. Oh my Gosh! Oh my Gosh!” (Miranda faints again; Willie’s caught a cold, and whines like a lady-cello ; Bruno hasn’t shown-up; the Eastern speculator takes poison in his room (and gives it to himself), local banker drowns himself.) Curtain. 
AUGUST.— (Farmer rushes into the house) “Gosh, but it’s hot! The WHEAT is a goner! She’s burnt up! This hot wind will finish it! It’s the poor house for us! We’ll lose everything; the Ford; the land; the cattle and the Fordson . . . My God, I was afraid of this!” (Miranda faints again; Willie let’s go like a herd of caliopes; Eastern speculator hangs himself with a piece of haywire ; local banker loses his mind and tries to return every cent . . . .) Curtain. 
SEPTEMBER. — (Farmer rushes into the yard) “My Gosh, Miranda, what are we going to do with all this WHEAT? The granary’s full! The pig-pen’s full! The house is full! The outhouses are all full and it’s still coming from the spout!!” (Miranda faints; Willie has a fit; Bruno comes sneaking up; Eastern speculator sits up and takes sniffer, and notice; throws bloodless razor into waste basket and decides to stick a while longer forever afterward; local banker, ditto.) 
Curtain. 
P. S. — Apparent discrepancies go to prove that you can’t kill a speculator by killing him. 
T-b. S. 
EDITOR’S NOTE. — T-bone Slim requests us to say that the Idea for this play has-been stolen several times and that he acquired it in a trade like Ole Hanson his Percheron go about. Nothing original about it, but . .